The lost girl within

Camp: Wednesday- "One of a kind Collectible"

2004-08-01T02:38:19Z

Last week I was a camp counselor for 4th through 6th graders, and they were amazing little girls. The 8 of them and I got along really well and the week went by pretty smoothly. Most of the camp counselors had been there the whole summer, but it was only my first week. They were short people and called to see if I would come help. I did get paid which was sweet. Anyways, on with the story about our "One of a kind Collectible".

Each morning, we had to do a morning Rap session where the cabin would get together and learn about the Bible. One morning, we had to do a little scavenger hunt and find sticks, bugs, flowers, and the list also included a person. One of the skate parks was close by and my girls ran over there and asked the guy in charge of BMX if he would help them. I had no clue at this time who he was. He sat at our picnic table as we learned that everything that we collected would eventually die. It was a silly scavenger hunt, but it lead to much more.

Later that day, we were supposed to go BMX biking, but the route was too muddy so we ended up watching BMX movies. The group of around 22 girls became bored and played with eachothers hair needless to say. The guy who had been our "person" for the scavenger hunt and I talked the whole time about music, his biking, camp, and other stuff. I would say stuff to the girls every now and then, but for the most part my attention was placed on the guy I had just met.

After my groups session with him, the girls in my cabin kept asking me if I liked him and if he was my boyfriend. Silly girls. This started their attempt to matchmake. Whenever they would see him, they would tell me and giggle. At dinner, they went over to his table and told him I wanted to talk to him; which I had never said. He agreed to come back to our table and we chatted for a moment. With the girls asking questions and talking

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-07-21T13:59:00

2004-07-21T19:29:58Z

Small talk filled the air while I cut your soft chocolate hair; The hair I once played with gently while laying beside you on my bed. No emotions today, no thoughts for a better tomorrow.

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-07-14T05:08:00

2004-07-14T10:19:47Z

Heck, I don't know what to do with Amazing. A girl friend prank called him the other night and I had to apologize for her using my phone to call random guys. Since then, we have been talking. Today he even started up the conversation. Around three, he told he should have just came over. I was extremely surprised by him saying that. We had talked earlier tonight about possible girls for him to date and whatnot. I don't want him to think that I want him. I gave the impression that I was over and done with him. But then he brought up coming over again...

What do I do? It isn't like I'm committed to anyone and it would just be a one night deal again. I haven't even seen him since the last time he was over here. I wouldn't mind the kissing and cuddling, but do I go back to him for it? He makes me melt, but do I want this? I really wish I was in a committed relationship where I wouldn't have to worry about who I wanted to kiss. What do I do?

Dirty girl

2004-07-09T09:13:35Z

I wish for once that I could have something I wanted. Amazing and I are talking right now on here, and that's interesting. Nothing great though. Oh well. I do have a little story though about something...

So, after our night together over a month ago, I bought a special pair of panties. Hot pink, lacy, boy cut except with four strings on the side keeping the two sides together. They are amazingly cute. Amazing never came over again, so I never wore them. They stayed tucked away in my dresser drawer waiting for a special time. A more than just a friend guy was going to come over today for his birthday, so a couple of days ago I looked for my special panties since I hadn't worn them yet.

Well, this past week I was gone camping with only being home a total of around 10 hours. I live in a separate house from my parents and my younger sister who is 17. My house is usually locked, but there are times that my little brother goes in there and forgets to lock it back up when he leaves. With all of that said...

I looked through my drawer and didn't find the panties. I knew I hadn't washed them and that they couldn't have just left my drawer. I went back inside the main house and went up to my younger sisters room to find not only the panties I had never even gotten to wear, but also 4 other pairs. And they were in her hamper. She had worn my special occasion panties before I even got to! She upsets me. She's pregnant and doesn't need to be stealing my panties to stretch them out. Funny thing is, I would have never even thought about her stealing panties except she took the pair I never wore. Shirts and jeans I notice quickly. Oh well...

Now I must go do laundry again and buy a new pair...

What happens now?

2004-05-19T12:25:22Z

Amazing and I reunited. He drove an hour to my house so that we could be together. We talked about what happened between us, and about the confusion there had been between us. I have to write more about this, but not right now. I want to tell you in story form about the kisses and the sweat running down his face, about him holding my face gently and about how the human body is perfectly made to be with another. Not now though because I must leave. Goodnight, and I will tell you later.

First night for everything

2004-04-30T12:34:45Z

A friend spoke to me about someone tonight that I hadn't thought about in so long. Everyime I see this person, it seems like the guy had just asked about me. He'll ask my friend how I'm doing and if he has seen me lately and then tells my friend how he really screwed thing up. I know that. I know I was probably too innocent for him. There was a certain thing with him that started my two weeks of badness, or shall I say the time period where I opened the door to see what I was missing out on, looked around, and then shut the door to the partying life.

Him and I had met one fall evening when my girl friend and I visited her boyfriend at his house before and after working out. He seemed so intrigued by me; kept asking questions, seemed interested in finding out who I was. I was a junior in highschool, still only 16, and he was 20 working in the airforce. We hit it off rather well that night as four of us went to see Monster inc. Yes, it was a silly movie, but there was nothing else in our small town and we had to get away from the house. My friend and her boyfriend left during parts of the movie, and we would joke around and I nudge him if he would start to dose off. After that night, we would call eachother and hang out as the four of us. I really enjoyed our times together.

Instead of going to my junior Christmas dance, which I wasn't allowed to go to anyhow, the group of us went to a walkway of lights. That is where you drive in your car in a line oh so long around this park that different businesses have put up light decorations. Takes around an hour or so on lights like that one. I remember being nervous as I did my last updo at the shop and my girl friend came by to pick me up. We went back to my house and did whatever girls do to make themselves look better; whatever that is. Needless to say, we ended up cuddling the whole night. At the very beginning, there are people who stand out there that you can give donations to for charities. They also hand out free Candy Canes. He offered the rest to me by keeping it in his lips and wanting me to grab it- too bad we hit a bump and he lost it on the floor. That would have been a cute first kiss from him. Oh, another thing, I had only kissed one other boy earlier that fall... which was it for my whole life. He was my second kiss.

He would go over to my friends boyfriends house whenever we were over there. Watch tv, tickle eachother, talk, and just be silly. I loved laying on the bed and being next to him and asking questions. At random times, he would start tickling me, and I would get him back. He would jump and I would always giggle cause he was more ticklish than my very sensitive self. I started to care about him and his life. He was fun. If only I had known about his other habits then. I knew he was a drinker, for there were days he wouldn't come over because he was with other friends. I knew he had money, but I thought it was all because of work.

That January when things between him and I had kinda slowed down, I met this other guy. The new guy and I dated for about two weeks, and after that two weeks new guy decided to tell me he loved me. Not a good thing when I get freaked out about stuff like that. I left church early that day to spend the night at a college with my girl friend. We stayed at her cousins apartment. On the way there, I told her how frightened I was and how awful I felt. Knowing that this school was where she partied a lot, I asked her if I should drink for the very first time. She said she would be proud of me; what a good friend, right? I was going to drink my problems away and enjoy the night.

We started drinking and she ended up calling her boyfriend and asking him to come and stay the night. Around 1 in the morning, our old boys drove an hour and a half to see us. I remember going outside in the middle of January without any shoes and saying how my feet weren't cold as we greeted them. I was giddy and didn't care. The boys came inside, had some drinks and gave us some more. I didn't know until the next day that my girl friend had been putting more and more alcohol in the long island ice teas. Then again, when you are drunk, I doubt it really matters.

He and I ended up in one of the rooms on a twin sized bed. I laughed as he told me stories, and there was some major make out time. I told him how I was going to remember how conversation in the morning. I remember telling him how I had never slept next to a guy before, how I had never drank, how I was innocent and didn't want to loose my virginity in that manner. He told me how he would keep me safe and that everything was going to be okay. We stayed up till around 6 in the morning, and he said that if I were to go to his house, he would have to go to bed like 4 hours early every night so we could do this again.

I woke up an hour after falling asleep that night, and I was wide awake. I layed next to him wondering what all I had said or done. We girls made breakfast for the boys and went out that day to go shopping. It was a good day.

But the days didn't stay good. We were supposed to go out another time, but he went with his friends and got drunk instead. That was the second night of my two weeks of badness. More about that later...

sigh

2004-04-21T08:09:55Z

I am so glad that I finally talked to you about what happened. Although it didn't go as well as planned, I'm happy. I'm happy that I was able to get rid of the feelings that were bundled within me. You were an A** to me as we talked. I know I was a jerk at times, but I personally thought it was okay after what has happened. Now, I can honestly be okay with saying that I'm glad that nothing more happened between us cause you are way too immature. Tomorrow when you bring back my cd should be interesting. Till then...

I know this is long... but it is worth it

2004-04-21T07:54:28Z

I had been talking to him on aim before this part of the conversation happened. I had to switch to msn because aim didn't want to let him see what I was typing. Before this, we had talked about him bringing back my cd, so this is where it starts off...

I don't think it is working again

stupid thing

"He said- I dont know though, I am pretty sexy already haha
I said- hmmm.... you could still use some work. especially with girls. see, my friend in a band is just a better person. hahah. you have to be able to handle the girls if you are in a band.My band friend does quite well. sucker"
Thatis what I wrote that I don't think you got

I didnt get any of that. well now I did. Im not bad with girls, I dont think

eh, maybe. If so, tell me the reason for the lack in communication between you and I?

I felt like you were taking things too seriously

why didn't you just ask me? I honestly just thought hanging out was cool

its tough to take a step backwards, that effort wasnt worth it to me, nothing agaist you, its just that school out in 2 days

haha so you end up hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend

theres no worry about her wanting to date me

I never thought it would go farther than friends before kokomo, but when you asked to put your arm around me and you put the moves on me, that was when I thought YOU might want more. I don't really care about her; what do you have to say about that?

there are things that are hard to communicate here, you are alot younger than I, we think different

don't give me age crap

its true

I'm not a lot younger, and I hang out with older people than you all the time. Please shed light on what we think differently on

that something physical is enough to start a relationship, you were on the right track with the communication thing, I do talk, and thats how relationships get started. I apologize for the kokomo thing if that threw you off

wait, explain the physical statement

a physical interaction cannot start a relationship

I know

at least not with me. well thats what you thought appearantly, we were kinda physical I guess and you took things from there

how did I take it from there? What did I do?

ok I have nothing to defend here, I want to give you closer or meaning or whatever I can but I am not going to sit here and defend myself

I think you owe it to me

I owe you your cd back, Im not going to argue

that is childish

sorry

I dont' see what problem you have with this conversation. Its a big people convo where people face the issue instead of running from it. Any 22 year old should know how to do that

then you should know how to have this conversation face to face when it matters instead of saving everything up and unloaded online

okay, then come here and we'll talk. It has seemed like you are too cool to talk with me here lately and I didn't want to invade you and your friends. bring the cd, and we'll talk face to face

Im not gonna do either, Ill have the cd with me tomorrow, Ill give it to ya when I see ya sometime. Im gonna head home

that is so wrong. Don't give me crap if you are gonna be like that

what about this makes you think I would want to talk in person

"then you should know how to have this conversation face to face when it matters instead of saving everything up and unloaded online" and you already said you would bring the cd over tonight. You work at like 4, you have time

I dont have to work tomorrow, so I have tons of time, but Im not using any of it to listen to you yell at me about how things ended up

I'm not gonna yell. I'm not that type of person. I would just like to understand what happened with you so I can avoid it in the future

communication in the beginning...

face to face; eat your own words

in the beginning... its too late. sorry

you are never going to grow up and stop being afraid of girls which you say equal relationships if you don't face stuff. it is not too late. You are gonna be a jerk in my mind if this is the way you end it. I really think you can be a great guy, and that is why it is so hard for me. I really don't want to have this image of you, but if that is the way you want it, then let it be.

there must not be any way to avoid it

what the crap? why are you being this way?

why are you trying to hold onto this? why not just realize theres nothing there and drop the thing

oh goodness. haha. oh, I realize that. I realized that the four days I saw you in a row here at my school with other people and you never once came up to me and said hello. I realized this when you said you need to take work "seriously" and that it takes a lot out of you. I was fine with that, until you were here all the time and I realized you lied to me instead of just telling the truth and I don't appreciate being lied to

I didnt lie

if you had just said, "hey you, I don't want anything more than just being friends" I would have been cool with it

ok. I say that then

but do you really? cause friends say hello to eachother

well I say hi, we can do that for one day I guess

ha you only say hi when I initiate it; you have stood three feet behind me, yet didn't say a word. You take work seriously I say

ok sorry, I want to go to sleep, Im not going to get a guilt trip on my greeting habits

its more than that don't you see? or are you blind?
you upset me
Tell your short friend hello for me please.

He says howdy!

good deal. he's a good guy

sure is and single

atleast he doesn't play mind games

hes not smart enough

no that isn't it, hes a better person than that

Im not though
Im a dick eh?

haha I dont know now. I really thought you were an amazing person

well I guess you thought wrong, theres nothing amazing about being a dick
</b>
you upset me

I upset you now? tell me the reasons

I went from being amazing to dick and only wanted to hangout

because you never said you only wanted to hang out!!! I was so confused when you said you wanted to take work seriously and didn't have the time, yet you were here hanging out with everyone or talking to everone except me

the hours changed

that tuesday, you said you would hope that there wouldn't be another three days go inbetween the times we talked, to not talking at all. You changed, and I didn't know

appearantly

or did you not? Cause I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong, and I need help. I'm sorry if you thought I had more intentions, I never wanted to hurt or scare you. I hated not talking. I hated the worlds between our friendship

if you didnt have intentions then I would be in bed right now

I care about my friends. I honestly don't have intentions of ever becoming more than friends, but I still want to be friends. I want to listen to music, I want to be able to hangout with groups

for one day? you are leaving

I promised my friend I would stay with her every weekend. I have a lot of friends in this town. I live not too far away. Distance doesn't keep friends apart. I've moved way too many times to let that get in the middle of friendships

this feels like a bad novel

maybe you can write a movie about it

I said bad

not every story has a great ending... anyways

there were two muffins in the microwave....
one muffins said to the other muffin...
its getting hot in here....
then the other muffin said...
"Woah, a talking muffin!"
get it?

ummm.... is there a hidden meaning to that? other than it being silly, I get it

freinds tell jokes right?

aww, yes

and I like muffins, so I thought what the hey

Guy(*used to be amazing), can we be friends?

have you heard the one about the muffins in the microwave?

is that a yes then? cause if it is, you can tell me, the story again that is

well its still a bad novel but Im leanin toward freindship buddy

yay. some writers throw away old editions and start with new ones

some writers do drugs and cheap women too. ok goodnight

I have this idea...

2004-04-19T06:16:01Z

What would happen if I decided to have a crush or put a move on a long time friend instead of someone new that I didn't really know? Think about the possibilities. I would already know their quirks and what makes them smile. I have plenty of guy friends that have had crushes on me before, but I have always had that single me mentality. What if I put in the effort to show affection? To flirt a little? Would they be weirded out, or would they be amused and re-think their intentions of our simple friendship? I have three days until this semester is over and I have to go back home to my small little town. I think I am going to be a little extra friendly to a certain guy here. I want to see how he reacts. I want to see how easy it could be to cross the line of just friendship. I need something to keep my mind off of the stress of finals and you-know-who. This should be interesting...

Question to Readers...

2004-04-17T08:43:27Z

Should I use a picture of me for an icon, or should I keep myself secret?

I want that burning again... but I can't; I simply cannot.

2004-04-17T08:40:59Z

It breaks me to see you so much. I don't think I realized how much I cared about you until tonight. I had a great time talking about life with a guy friend over coffee. When we went back to campus, a group of friends asked if I wanted to go to the campgrounds. I thought to myself how nice that would be; being outside under the stars around a campfire with laughter and joy in the air. I thought it would only be a group of about ten, but that was off. I told my friend who has been by my side this whole time that one of the cars looked like yours in the parking lot.

I didn't really think it was. Well, at least I prayed that it wouldn't be yours. We walked to the first opening with the campfire on the hill surrounded by woods and greeted everyone, which was about 15 more people. Since I had never been there before, my friend and I decided to explore the part by the lake. We walked to the cliff and saw a group of people coming back to the campfire. I felt sick as you walked by me. Why were you there? Why do you have to be everywhere I am? Why can't you leave my thoughts?

Could it be because on the way home when you let someone else drive your car, we sat in the back together and I melted in your arms? Sleepy, I put my head on your shoulder resting my eyes. You held me and made me feel so secure. Your lips nibbling on my ear and neck gave me that burning sensation within; the one where you wish the moment never ended and dread when you have to part. The one that makes you want to kiss him slowly and passionately all night long. Oh, how I want that again. but I can't; I simply cannot. Life (love) is rough.

God, take this away from me. I hate caring so much about a person that wont even talk to me. I hate that he just signed on and how I want to say mean things but know I need to be responsible and not. I know that he was a distraction to me from You. God, I can't handle this. My heart is too vulnerable and broken to get over this on my own. Cradle me in Your ever loving arms. Wrap Your peace around me and give me strength.

I've been thinking way too much

2004-04-17T08:19:32Z

I feel like I've been complaining so much lately, and I'm sorry for that. I hate talking about the situation with him, cause it kinda hurts and makes me sad. When I say stuff about it to girls, they get really upset and say how they would be really angry. I'm glad that I'm not as upset as they say I should be. Let's me know that God is teaching me life skills.

I know things happened for a reason. I really try not to dislike people. I wish people would realize how their actions make others feel. It hurts to know you've been lied to. It's sad when you know a person can be amazing, yet they throw that away by acting childish. It's hard to see a person you cared about around all the time yet not be able to speak to them. It's really easy to judge the girls he's been hanging out with lately since they look so materialistic and stuff, but I know it's not my place.

I need to grow up and look at things from different views. I need to pray more. I have given this to God, but everytime I see him, I think about the potential he has and how I wish we could atleast be music friends. I know I'm only 19 and I have a full life ahead. I hate being vulnerable to others, but I need to be. I can't sleep anymore. This isn't good.

Please leave my thoughts; I can't take this anymore...

2004-04-16T06:42:40Z

I have seen you here for the past three nights straight. Please leave, or grow up and talk to me. I almost just want you to leave and let me be.

I saw that you got a new cell phone... remember when you were going to get one on your day off when we were still talking? Atleast you are getting your crap together and will maybe even call people with it. Communicate kid. Grow up.

I'm in an odd mood since I haven't slept more than three hours in two days... sleep... I need you...

Memoir

2004-04-15T18:49:08Z

So, for English we had to do a memoir. I had missed the day that the class had thought about ideas and whatnot, and had to think up something really quickly. The first draft was due on Monday, and on Tuesday I still had nothing. The easiest thing for me to do was to write about that previous weekend, so I did. Ironic how that weekend was the first one I hung out with Amazing. I'm putting it into my final portfolio, and reading it over and over again makes me sad yet happy cause I've learned from the experience. Even though things have passed with him, I have learned something about myself.

Some of the story I rewrote from this journal for the essay. Sorry for that...

Here is the first paragraph...

Running from Dreams
Remember the younger days spent dreaming of prince charming sweeping you off your feet? How you would fall in love with him and live happily ever after? I had those dreams as well, but I never thought they would become a reality. My best friend Emily and I used to lie late at night in her warm bed and share our dreams about the future. We would share about the places we wanted to see, the jobs we wanted to work, and the people we wanted to be close to. Hours upon hours were spent giggling and smiling as we talked about our future husbands. We had big dreams for little girls.

But I got older, and the dreams started to fade away. Going from one town to the next in a short amount of time made creating lasting relationships with others hard to do, and I began feeling as though I should not attach myself to others for in a matter of time, they too would be torn away. There was an underlying understanding that people are temporary and move on their way after finishing a chapter of their lives.

I began running from people, especially guys, not wanting to be close enough to get attached. I was tired of hurting and missing past friends. One of the childhood dreams was to fall in love and marry my high school sweetheart. That was no where close to what happened in reality, for the boys at my school seemed to be selfish, disrespectful, dishonest, and only wanted girls for sex. In fact, one out of five girls in my class had a baby while still in high school. I wanted no part in being a statistic. Going that far was never anything I wanted, but I still ran from any sort of commitment or intimacy that a guy would offer.

As I started Indiana Wesleyan University, I came with an open mind. I realized that maybe now my dreams could happen. Maybe I could fall in love with a guy and live happily ever after. Maybe I could stop running and settle down long enough to look around. After much prayer and seeking God, I gave Him my heart’s plea for His will and a man who loved Him. I wanted God’s way for my life, and I wanted to know what love was like.

Not a week later, Amazing(Yes, I changed his name), a friend’s brother, started going to late meal here after work. His mysterious eyes were settled deep into his tall frame. For some reason, something within me wanted to get to know him. A group of four of us at the table talked while I waited for the others who normally met at that time, but they never came. Silly jokes and smiles were passed along the table as the conversation kept going. We talked about music and how each of us had been in bands and about the music we had made. Everything about the new guy was amazing. I forgot about the others that never came and was enthralled with those I was with, especially him.

Tuesday night, Amazing’s younger brother said he had something for me. Perplexed, I asked myself what he would have. He handed the CD over and explained that they were his older brother’s songs. I was astonished that Nate had thought of me away from this school and had put in the effort to make a CD for my enjoyment. Oh, and his voice! When I later listened to his creations, I loved them. I’m a sucker for a guy who has a gorgeous voice and is musically talented. I listened to the music thinking about how mysterious and wonderful he seemed. I thanked God that night for letting us meet, even if all we were meant to be was good friends.

During the previous weeks, I had been so reserved and stayed away from places with large groups of people. Something about the recent warm night skies and the fresh air had brought back the life and energy that had been missing. I’m glad that I started going to meals with people again. I’m glad that Amazing visits his brother after late nights of work.

I wonder what the younger brother thought as he left the cafeteria Wednesday and his older sibling stayed behind. We could have sat across the table from one another for longer, but the school would not allow me out past curfew. The night sky was beautiful as we walked back to my dorm. I will never forget the look in his eyes and the shakiness in his voice as he brought up talking again. Everything seemed to go smoothly, easy, just like other friends and I had discussed.

Relationships were not supposed to start with headaches and stress, but were to happen with ease and happiness. I could not run from this, for this was not something to be afraid of. I knew I had to be careful, and I wanted to get to know him more. Later that night as we talked on the phone, we made plans for that Friday.

All day long on Friday, I waited for the moment Amazing would meet me in the lobby of the dorm. Thoughts kept running through my head about what the evening would bring. The time had been long since the last occasion a guy had asked me to hang out such as that night. Instead of talking about relationships between guys and girls, I was that girl and I was living. Although I knew he would be on the other end of the phone when it rang, I had my roommate answer the phone. I could not let him hear the nervousness in my voice. I wonder if he knew how anxious I was as I walked out to greet him.

The wonderful night gave no reason to be nervous. We went to a coffee shop where some of Amazing’s friends were playing. Sitting with a few guys from school helped me relax as well, for we were able to joke around as a group. I loved his smile and how we would glance at each other while the band was playing or other people who were doing silly things. Creating paper animals, drawing, playing dots and hangman helped pass away the time. His timing with hangmen could not have been any better. At 11:58, my turn was up to make one for him. He smiled as he figured out that it was “Happy Birthday, Amazing!”

When we left the coffee shop, a group of four went to another place so he and some friends could play guitar and just be guys. There he was guitar in hand and being gorgeous on one side of me and on the other was a boy who I had ran from the previous year. Something about the other boy never seemed right. He had fallen in love with me, and my young heart was not ready for that. Life had changed tremendously since then. How awkward sitting between the two seemed, but I was glad to be there with Nate.

The music was soothing as we sat in his car before I had to return to my bed. A half an hour passed by as we enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed talking and learning more about him. Not everyday do you meet a guy who has a passion for God and music, works with people not many can handle, and says if he could live anywhere that he would live in Honduras. Everything that I had dreamed about as a child, he was. Simply amazing is the only way to describe him.

I became scared as I realized how much I liked being with him. I spoke to a friend about what was going on, and he told me how I should not let myself have second thoughts about it. He was right in telling me not to be afraid- afraid of commitment, afraid of letting myself get close to a guy. I had stopped running long enough to meet someone, and now was not the time to start sprinting again. Even if we were never meant to become more than friends, I knew that I was ready to settle down and take pleasure in the surroundings. Choosing to run from dreams disables them to become reality, and I choose reality.

Amazing's screenplay

2004-04-15T06:57:49Z

So, I didn't quite get to talk to you about what I wanted to. I said happy things about the sunset, and asked questions about what you are interested in and what you are doing. I really don't want to not like you and not talk anymore. Maybe a couple of nights of happy talk, and then I will ask why we aren't being friends anymore. If only I really knew what to say to you...

hey, how was work tonight?
twas ok
did you guys get to have some fresh air?
we did but it was at the house, we didnt take them anywhere
did you see the sunset yesterday? Cause it was gorgeous and you missed out if you didn't get to see it
I do love sunsets and I did miss that one, so I did miss out
ah, the sky was filled with beautiful pinks and purples. We were working out, and the window was right in front of the bikes. I got to see the whole sky change into night. Check tomorrow to see what happens
that sounded like a "to be continued"
haha, more like, look outside tomorrow and see for yourself how God blesses us with beautiful surroundings" sorta like a "to be continued" I guess
sorta
the weather has been so nice lately and I think my skater friend is going to teach me to skate since its nice out now. How did your short friend like the screenplay you wrote?
its a work in progress, he liked it though
what is the storyline?
well there isnt a whole lot of story, the main idea: two people in love, the girl dies, the story resolves and hopefully it ends happy
why and how does she die?
she dies in a wreck, her death is to create drama in the film and show what can happen to love after death
have you decided how the boy handles the loss?
its just a dramatic story that I am writing so he can film it and I can make music for it. In the story, he goes home, reads the last entry in her diary which is something about their love for each other and then rolls over onto his back and smiles. I havent refined that far into the story yet. It's really hard without any dialogue.
right. Have you only worked on the main points and what is going to happen? (I find the movie making business fascinating)
somewhat, rough outline, thats how I usually do it, I get the main idea down and then let it sit for a while, then I sit down and write the whole thing out at once. Edit for a week or so and then print it. Give copies to a couple people to edit and comment and make changes and then I'm done. Takes about two weeks once I sit down next.
how much longer do you have for this one?
Im at about the two week mark on it. I'll look at it again tonight and then start in on the story tomorrow a lot.
Hey we are leavin
talk to ya later
alrighty. have a good night

I find it odd that he decided to write about that. The girl dies in a wreck and the boy is left without her. I wonder what Amazing will put as the last diary writing from her. I should ask him to let me write it. What do you think?

Are you ready, Amazing?

2004-04-15T06:00:56Z

All I want to do is confront you. I can't wait until you get on tonight. I am going to ask how your day was spending all your extra time at my school with others. I want to tell you that I had a great day with my friends, and that maybe my skater friend will teach me how to do some tricks. I want to tell you how my old crush and I are hanging out in his town this weekend. I want to tell you how I took my schooling "seriously" and did an awesome job on a final tonight. I would only say seriously because you taking work "seriously" is why you can't hang out anymore. You make me laugh. ALL day you were here!!! Playing basketball, talking with girls, some guys... Gah! That is sooo annoying!! Don't lie to me about taking your job seriously when what you really mean is that you don't want to hang out with me!

Anyways, I "seriously" don't like how much you are here if you aren't going to talk to me. In one minute, I am going to talk to you. I am going to ask what is going on. I'm going to be nice, and then ask questions. I have talked to a couple of close friends, a guy and a girl, and this is what I have to do. I have to confront you, for you suck with girls and communicating. Oh, and the time is now... wish me luck...

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-04-14T16:28:00

2004-04-14T21:35:33Z

Why is it that every time I turn around, you are here? I thought you were too busy and whatnot, but I guess you aren't. I didn't want to say hello to you today when I first saw you, but the second time when you and your short friend were walking ten feet away I had to, or else I would have felt like a jerk. How crazy is it that you smiled wide like you had never said what you did. I like knowing your friends and having the excuse to talk to them while you stand there silently. I had to leave for class the first time we talked today, which gave me an excuse to leave without much more than simple talk. After class when I went to the student center, I knew you were outside talking to a friend at the tables. I "had to get my notebook" back in the dorm, so I could walk past you guys. It was going to be a quick hello on the way back, but then I saw some more friends out there and decided to talk with them. I listened to the new Modest Mouse cd, which I'm sure you would love, and hung out with others. I loved it when a guy friend I used to work with came up with skateboard in hand and how he helped me try to do some stuff. There he was with my hands in his, which your hands used to hold, keeping balance on a not so sturdy board. I know you were looking. I didn't have to look your way to tell. I made sure to be extra happy while out there so you could see that I'm living life happily with the friends I had before you were ever even around. When I finally had to get back to studying for the final tonight, the friend you were sitting with waved to me. You didn't, but he did. For some reason, I liked talking to him with you sitting there. Him giving me compliments on my hair while you were the one that once played with it. I'm cutting your brothers hair tomorrow. I wonder what we will talk about...

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-04-14T01:22:00

2004-04-14T06:24:24Z

I posted some thoughts about my bioligal bastard father. Check my journal for them. I dated them back to 3-02 and 3-03. They didn't quite fit with Amazing. I'm going to backdate entries about past guys as well. Have a great night...

Amazing, goodnight.

2004-04-14T05:55:55Z

I could have screamed as I sat there with you 30 feet away yet both of us in different worlds. I had seen your friend over there on the other side of the coffee shop and had wondered if you would be by later tonight. I was right. Did we make eye contact for a split second? A minute later you went around the table where you wouldn't be facing my table. There wasn't even a hello or hi when you walked passed us. Jerk. You had said hi to my other friend that you passed as you walked in, but not to me. Weak. Why do you do this to me?

Things I want to say to you, but know I never will...

Don't complain about being a lonely boy if you are going to throw away the relationships that help you not be. How can you say you don't have the time and whatnot for a relationship when I saw you twice today, and once yesterday at my campus? How much harder would it have been to have called and say you were going to be here and lets hang out? I didn't look deeply into your dream about girls and relationships being bad because you said not to, but now I wonder if I should have just stopped everything then. I wish you knew how amazing you are. I wish we would still talk. I wish I could look into your eyes one more time and kiss you like before. But times change, and I guess what was between us has as well. Goodbye my friend. May you be the most amazing person to another girl someday.

So, why didn't you call? Why didn't we hang out?

2004-04-13T03:53:21Z

As we talk for the first time again, I am speechless. It's as though we were never close, never shared anything together, and as though you never held my hand or gave me a kiss. How did it become this way? What could I have done to have changed this?

(and he said this, while I thought that...)

"well I was really busy for one, plus relationships are not really top priority right now, I have a job that requires a lot of me. I am taking it seriously and not getting into anything with anyone"

The first night we talked, you said you didn't play mind games. Well, I find that not true. I know relationships scare you, but why did you have to lead me on so badly then? Why did you hold me closely and comfort me with your touch if you knew you were going to let go so quickly? I know you want to do well with your job, and that's wonderful. Is it so serious that you can't make time for others who care about you? I thought you liked going out and doing social things and getting away from the job and home. Why must you be such an amazing person? For once I didn't run- instead you did. Is this the way my life will always be? I need a hug...

Where are you, Amazing?

2004-04-12T04:59:02Z

I wanted to kiss you as we walked down the path beside the river, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to say how gorgeous you were underneath the moonlight. Chatting as we walked down the path was okay, but I wanted more. That was Monday night, and now, I wonder if I will ever have the chance to kiss you again.

Every night, I check to see if you are on here for I long to see and talk to you again. We were supposed to hang out Thursday and Friday nights, and after the walk, you said you should be able to do both nights. When I called you Thursday because I hadn't talked to you about that night since Monday, you sounded different. I was disappointed as you said you wouldn't be able to go Thursday night, and when you said you probably wouldn't be able to come over Friday night, my heart sank. What a crappy break from school. I called today to wish you a happy Easter, but at the other end of the phone was a lifeless answering machine. You never called back. I don't know if you are working as hard as you did last week and that is your reasoning for being away, or what is going on. I wish I could hold you. I wish we were near again.

God, please let him come back and make things okay. Give us wisdom and guidance. Bring peace into my heart.

Oh, so amazing

2004-04-05T08:44:34Z

I was wrong to ever have doubt in you and your intentions. I should have listened when you said not to look deeply into what you were saying. I'm glad that you thought about relationships and what really mattered. You are amazing. Thank you.

The cold night started with a trip to a comedy show. Without him there because of his late nights of work, I entered with a group of girls and other random students here. I kept looking at my watch anticipating the time you would arrive so I could go to the lobby and find you. I left early just so I wouldn't miss you. Turning around and finding you walking my way brought a smile to my face. You are so gorgeous.

I wasn't sure how you liked the performance, but I guess you had a good time. Introducing you to some of my friends was a highlight, because they knew then you weren't just a figment of my imagination. I'm sorry that the plans took awhile to figure out after the show; I was worried that you would get frustrated with me, but you didn't. This isn't even the important part of the story. Let us move on...

I was proud of you when we were at my friends house. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable and be quiet, and you weren't. You fit with ease, and I love how you fit into my life.

They had decided to not turn the heat back on, which made the house extremely chilly. We were thrown an old sleeping bag that was not very big at all. At first, I thought you were joking about having to get closer during the movie because of the small blanket, but I guess you weren't. Sliding closer and closer and for the first time, we actually touched. Before this night, we hadn't even given each other a hug. When you asked if you could put your arm around me, my heart started beating even faster. Step by step, we became closer and eventually even held hands. Now, to the common person, this is no big deal. For two people who are afraid of relationships and the opposite sex, the holding of hands is a symbol of something.

Your eyes were closed, not even caring about the movie. You were the most adorable thing ever. The innocence of just touching and not doing anything more was amazing. I enjoyed not kissing and being able to relax in your arms. Occasionally, you would kiss my head, and I wanted to sleep on your shoulder right then and then. I didn't want to leave you. It seemed like you cared about me, and I miss that so much. I just want to be held. Never let me go.

Leaving at 4:30 in the morning and your long day off work left Kendal to drive and us in the back seat of your race car like vehicle. I decided to lean over and sleep on your chest even though the middle thing of the seat would be very uncomfortable. As you started nibbling on my ear, and kissing me in that spot, my heart melted. Then, you started playing with my lip ring, and I knew you were thinking. I wanted to kiss you so badly, but I couldn't with my friends in the front seat. Pulling into the school and having to let go of you was something I didn't want to do.

They started walking back to the dorm to unlock the doors, and we met eachother in the middle as you walked to drive away and me to go to sleep. You looked so tired as you walked toward me. Never before had I had to reach so high to give a guy a hug. After a couple of seconds of that, I had to kiss you. You had told me that a girl initiating the kiss was something you liked, so I figured I would do it. From being so sleepy, I think I fell into you a little. Sorry about that. I didn't want to let go of you, and I knew you didn't want to leave as you went for another touch of my soft lips. "I have to go," is all I could say. One last kiss and a walk to the door ended the night.

You are so amazing. Every person I have asked about you has had nothing bad to say at all. "He's a good guy". For once, this girl hasn't attracted a jerk and has a wonderful guy. Thank you, God, for sending me someone I could learn to love.

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-04-01T15:56:00

2004-04-01T20:56:11Z

Why do you have to have doubt in your mind that this may be a bad thing? I don't know what is going on. Relationships scare me as well, but for once I am trying to make one happen or atleast get one started or whatever... What is going through your mind? People assume to much, and I hate it. If what bothers you is what they are saying, know that it also bothers me. I don't want you to run. I don't want you to be afraid. Gah, what is going on?

lostgirlwithin @ 2004-03-27T05:05:00

2004-03-27T10:05:52Z

Easy, relaxing, and amazing...

...just like you said it should be.

Amazing 2

2004-03-27T10:03:25Z

All day long, I waited for the time you would meet me in the lobby of the dorm. You know that feeling in your stomach when you are excited and nervous and are filled with unknown feelings? That was me. I didn't know what to expect. It had been a long time since I had been asked to hang out with a guy like tonight. I knew you would be on the other side of the phone when it started ringing, but instead of answering myself, I had the roomie do it. hehe. So nervous, yet I knew I should be relaxed.

I love your smile and how we would look at each other while the band was playing or when other people were doing silly things. Creating paper animals, drawing, playing dots and hangman helped pass the time. Your timing was perfect when you decided to play hangman. At 11:58 pm, I started the one for you. The fact that you took forever to figure out "happy birthday, Friend!" was great. I love how you know about music and like to listen to pretty music. After the show when we went to the garage with some others, I have to say it was kinda odd. There you were, guitar in your hand and being gorgeous on one side, and on the other was a boy who was in love with me last year. I think he was jealous that I was there with you and that maybe he felt like he had to play the guitar louder and better. I noticed that you missed your guitar when someone else played. You asked if it was okay if you had a clover, which was quite respectful. Thank you for asking. As long as it isn't cigarettes, it's fine with me. You kept having to put the clover down to play your music, and the thing would go out. hehe.

Listening to pretty music in your car, which is a beautifully fast silver car, was relaxing. I think it was a good ending to the night. Yes, I did like the music and thanks for giving me another cd to listen to. I'm sorry that the getting back into the dorm situation was a little frustrating, but thank you for staying with me. I want to do more with you; I want to keep sharing stories and listening to music with you. I hope you enjoyed the first four hours of being 22, and I hope to be around for next years. I pray that you drove safely home, and that you think of me while you sleep. Goodnight my friend, and pleasant dreams.